There seems to be pretty good supply of anger to around here.   Trust me we have our reasons and I am not saying anything else about it.   It has occured to me that while we continue work on our talking and discussing skills we need address those  powder kegs  sitting out back under the tree.   And we will.

We are getting better at the relationship.  Even so, the other day we both utterly failed in the process.  There was snarling and biting and wrestling. We got through it and surely must discuss it further but this post is not about that….

I guess the problem people have sometimes, including us, is that they slip in to familarity.  Dcup and I used to do a lot of different things together, not so much any more.  We certainly say that it is because of the children and our many other committments.   We have slipped into a routine where it is easier not to do this or that.  It is comfortable.

Last night I discovered, the family discovered, something different about Dcup.  The kids and I have been playing Rockband since Christmas. Good and bad singing and crazy drum pounding and funky guitaring.

Dcup finally joined our band. We are five. Hard as Nails.  The kids were pissed at me because I fired our lazy roadies.  But we got something better than roadies.  Dcup and she can sing.  I mean it; she’s good.   Last night the game was more fun and it was blast.

Last night, I watched a new and unscene Lisa that I had not observed before. She was singing and she never told me or showed me that talent before.  I fell for her again like when we were  kids 20 years ago.

Money is not the real problem even though it is.  Circumstances self imposed and otherwise are at the heart of the issue.  Our lives have been peppered with bad decisions, bad jobs and mediocre income for too much uninspired hard work.

Now, we continue the fresh start that started last May.  It began with improved communication which has not been easy either.  Last week we talked and talked and it felt good. Two weeks ago we were not so good.

Our current lesson is learning that what ever task we are currently performing does not supersede our relationship.  We are learning that it is ok for one or the other to respond sharply because we are feeling that way.  But It’s not OK to leave it that way.  We’re allowing time for reaction and reflection.   Most importantly, this relationship is ours and ours alone.

I welcome the redo, the mulligan, a fresh start.  I look forward to tossing the baggage on the bonfire out back in the yard that will soon become the old yard.

Events happened after I sent the message.

First I received a near immediate phone call with an associated voice mail message:

… you know we I am come here and we’ll talk and we’ll see what happens….

Then I received an email message:

…It’s that simple. So, yes, I will stay off your fucking blogs and hers, but realize that you don’t own the Internet.
So, please, if you want to be left alone, leave me and my family alone because there’s been plenty of fucking damage caused on both ends…

Then he visited my blog from work this morning

Some of you know who this person is and I have resisted the desire to out him. All I want is for this man to leave us alone and to please stop visiting our blogs.

This blog has been an excuse for me to reinvigorate my thoughts and verbalize my worries – even if only to myself; Allowing me to understand that I am self aware and that my senses are correct and meaningful and important to the future of my family.

We have a sense that maybe we have shortened our simmering cycle around here. We seem slightly better at pushing that button that necessitates communication; the pouring out of feeling and emotion and more productive communication. We ask questions which are difficult to answer.

Over the last year, I have made decisions that caused pain to me and my love. At the same time decisions that have allowed us to pick-up the pieces and mend what we know is good and know that certain aspects of our lives must change. For change to happen with must demand and expect it of each other.

Today, D and I had one of those difficult and emotional conversations that last year may have ended up in a shouting match or no communication at all. We didn’t scream and yell. We engaged and the results are not clear but we know that there are directions that we must travel and we both know that “I am unanimous in that”.

Lately, I have been internally lamenting my lack of non-virtual friends, attempting to reconcile who I am.  In college, I lived in a single dorm room – no roommates.  I feared living with others but was somehow an incredible social person.  I went out of my way to join student government and to participate recreational opportunities sports and beverage related.  At night, it was me – often alone, in my dorm room.

The habit has followed me here.  I love being a teacher, the kids and my colleagues.  The math calls to me and my leadership role separates me from the teachers and the administration alike.  An educational middleman that doesn’t get close to my colleagues or to my bosses.   I wonder if I am really, a one trick pony.

D and I have discussed this but in relation to her but not to me or us.  We are getting better at exploring our relationship.  I better see how we operate, almost as if I stand above and am watching behaviors unfold.  We are so similar – our  personalities are more similar than not. We have had trouble telling each other what we think and what we want from the other.  I now see how we really have a hard time having relationships with others so that they don’t interfere with us.

Lately, I feel a sense of divide and guilt around that divide.  I maintain the divide between me and others because of guilt.  Guilt that I am not spending time with my favorite and fear to speak my mind.  Thinking that she’s uninterested in talking to me.  I have not said this in a while, until today, “I want you to spend a minute or two with me and that mathy work does not stand above or between us.”

I don’t want to climb up and into her bunghole. We both need our space to breath so we can maintain the space in our craniums so we can the writer, the parent, the worker or whomever.  But I do want to be us.

The thoughts in my head during the week:

I am fucking stressed. I am. I am. But I did not know what to do about my stress levels other than let time move foreward so that I could reach today, Sunday.

Work has been keeping me busy and mentally occupied but I was not able to keep this weekend out of mind. The sane portion of my brain, gave trust back in May when it was required to start our healing process. The process continues and so does the trust but anniversary dates mess with my head. Every April 1st I think about my dad and the last time I saw him. I am not sure that sentimentality is the correct word but history is not lost on me.

I don’t like telling people, especially Dcup, what to do. I would never ask her not to travel because of some abstract feeling that I have. I am learning, however, that it does matter what I think and my feelings are as important as hers.

I have been having all kinds of crazy thoughts. I am not depressed but I felt down and sometimes that happens to me in the Fall. So through the fog of my past feelings I realized that my close friends are few and the person that I prefer to spend time with has been preoccupied with the election and then with this weekend. I have been focused on that fucking math.

The math has been like a drug. I am compelled to it – the patterns interest and attract me. It is a drug and a passion but I am not quite addicted. My brain can’t focus on it when I am tired. The tiredness has pushed me away from the internet and flickr. I want all the electronics to go away.

I worry about talking about my feelings. They’re unfocused and incomplete and undefined. I will be able to talk on Sunday.  I will . I will.

I replied, “I know that once I get past this weekend, I will be fine”

I guess I am learning about myself because today feels like a new day. I need to talk to Dcup. I want to talk to her about everything and nothing and the ups and downs in my head. This time I will tell her what to do and will take A’s advice and embrace her when she gets home for no less than 60 seconds.

Tonight, I suggested that we watch a movie.  In our early days together, we used rent lots of movies (How do you think I learned all those quotes from The Princess Bride?) but that practice waned with family, work and the money pressures of our lives.

I searched the pantry and found some popcorn. We fired up an on demand movie and watched together.  Two hours of uninterupted time together.   I enjoyed the movie but mostly I loved slowing down to be together.