“Does Mathman look stressed?” She asked at our last counseling session.
The thoughts in my head during the week:
I am fucking stressed. I am. I am. But I did not know what to do about my stress levels other than let time move foreward so that I could reach today, Sunday.
Work has been keeping me busy and mentally occupied but I was not able to keep this weekend out of mind. The sane portion of my brain, gave trust back in May when it was required to start our healing process. The process continues and so does the trust but anniversary dates mess with my head. Every April 1st I think about my dad and the last time I saw him. I am not sure that sentimentality is the correct word but history is not lost on me.
I don’t like telling people, especially Dcup, what to do. I would never ask her not to travel because of some abstract feeling that I have. I am learning, however, that it does matter what I think and my feelings are as important as hers.
I have been having all kinds of crazy thoughts. I am not depressed but I felt down and sometimes that happens to me in the Fall. So through the fog of my past feelings I realized that my close friends are few and the person that I prefer to spend time with has been preoccupied with the election and then with this weekend. I have been focused on that fucking math.
The math has been like a drug. I am compelled to it – the patterns interest and attract me. It is a drug and a passion but I am not quite addicted. My brain can’t focus on it when I am tired. The tiredness has pushed me away from the internet and flickr. I want all the electronics to go away.
I worry about talking about my feelings. They’re unfocused and incomplete and undefined. I will be able to talk on Sunday. I will . I will.
I replied, “I know that once I get past this weekend, I will be fine”
I guess I am learning about myself because today feels like a new day. I need to talk to Dcup. I want to talk to her about everything and nothing and the ups and downs in my head. This time I will tell her what to do and will take A’s advice and embrace her when she gets home for no less than 60 seconds.
Wow. Very open post. For a guy who supposedly doesn’t share feelings, you seem more in touch with yours than I often feel with mine. I might find it easier to talk about them, especially to MoominLight, but my problem is knowing what the hell I’m feeling in the first place. Mine are so affected by everyone else’s feelings, and (worse) my imagined fill-ins for everyone else’s feelings. By the time I’m done with all the layering, I’ve lost my own desires completely. Sometimes I don’t get back to them for days, weeks. That’s one of the chief causes of explosions in this house.
Comment by Steve — November 9, 2008 @ 10:30 pm |
Your posts here are well worth waiting for. Please know that sharing your struggles helps us with our own.
Comment by nbratscott — November 10, 2008 @ 3:46 am |
I’m so glad that you are able to write about what you’re feeling. I hated to turn on you with that question when we were with A, but it seemed like a good place to start. I knew something was up, but was afraid you wouldn’t open up unless prodded.
High five, MathMan.
Comment by DCup — November 10, 2008 @ 2:19 pm |
Another high five and a TFJ. Even though the fact that I was seen with your radical wife has pretty much ended my bid for the White House.
Comment by CDP — November 11, 2008 @ 12:15 pm |
You never cease to amaze me. I am hearting you hard Mathman.
Comment by FranIAm — November 15, 2008 @ 9:14 am |
Thanks for you kind comments and Dcup – High five back attcha.
Comment by mathman6293 — November 15, 2008 @ 11:32 am |
[...] Now, we continue the fresh start that started last May. It began with improved communication which has not been easy either. Last week we talked and talked and it felt good. Two weeks ago we were not so good. [...]
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