Covering New Territory

Life never seems easy. But there are things that I find exhilarating; coaching baseball, teaching and learning math, sex and boobs and music. I could list so more but why over do it? But there are difficult decisions to be made, decisions that affect each us that will likely be made separately. New territory as we continue this waning marriage but try figure out a new relationship with old players.

Life is Just A Bunch of Lists

Most of the posts I’ve written here flow from a stream of consciousness that happens to be skipping around my brain. But lately, there is a dead calm in my head. I have several posts in half written limbo as drafts and a few scribbled out in 2 spiral notebooks that I keep for such ocassions.

Maybe it is not surprising that my. words have been tripped up. Death causes me to be melancholy. While at school, I continue to slug it out with difficult students, semester tired teachers and insane administrators. The mother fuckers and cocksuckers don’t get me down but they sure wear me out.

I look forward to the end of the day, when maybe I can talk on the phone to a friend, write a blog post, plant some seeds, pull a few weeds, talk to the future former wife or coach a baseball game. Tonight we had free for all dinner, The boy, Dcup and I. Dcup took out the left overs, roasted chicken, homemade mac and cheese and a few potato chips. Simple but delicious.

Work haunted me tonight. I spent all day at a district level meeting. A day away from school forced my daily conversations to my cell phone. I spoke to the teacher who had surgery last week, the boss, the band director, a fellow little league coach and our math teacher varsity basketball coach. And that leaves me here with these few word for you. Until tomorrow’s cup of Starbucks Maxwell House brew.

I missed Danica Day

Illinois has Chicago, my home town but it also has Danica Patrick Day:

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich says Saturday will be “Danica Patrick Day” in the state. Blagojevich calls her “a new hero in Illinois.”

An Unvitation

I wonder what draws people to this blog. For people who read When Will I Use This, it is a natural trip. For me, I write here because I want this blog to have a wider range of topics. I write because I want to write. Sometimes “I feel” and I want to write that down. It’s a challenge to see if I can use as few words as possible and to get my point across. If people like it, great, but if there are no comments I’ll write anyway.

But I can’t help but wonder what certain people are looking for here? Are they looking for a dose of reality or an everything is going to be alright even though the past has had mighty impact on my future? A past in which they had a hand at shaping and influencing in the most negative way?

There is nothing here for you. I am living and working for my children, futureformer and I. You have no part in this. None. You were always an uninvited guest. You forced yourself upon us and finished the destruct sequence for our already doomed relationship. Your work dealing pain and hurt is finally done . I am healing without you or you blog. I am happier already and hopefully the others will be, too.

How Hitler Still Controls The World

On April 19, 2008:

WARSAW, Poland – The last surviving leader of the 1943 Warsaw ghetto uprising paid silent tribute Saturday to the heroes of the doomed revolt by young Jews against Nazi troops that started 65 years ago…

Meanwhile a former Hitler Youth Member, who is now Pope clicked his red Prada heels and blessed ground zero… as if it is all OK.

Who is the masked blogger?

They say men who have affairs never leave their wives. As far as I can tell this is true. I want to tell the world about a blogger whom I know that has invaded my family. One may think that it is wrong to out a person who has seemingly ruined your life.

But the way I see it. the results for me were inevetable. If we did not move on now it would have been later. More suffering and anxiety and tension at home. Now, that will be alleviated so thank you to that man who has returned to his wife, hurt mine and reduced my household by one and has no worries.

To My Future Former Wife

I am slowly telling people about the end of our marriage. I know people are just trying to be supportive or kind when they say, “I am sorry to hear that…” My reply to them, “Thanks, I appreciate your thought but I am past that stage.” The divorced people get that, the singles don’t have a clue and to those just married or about to be I just don’t like to say anything.

The week;s events brought me new feelings and I am not prepared for them. I can only compare my feelings to when my father died if his demise had dragged on for months or years. For my dad and family it was sudden, an anyuerism that ruptured, and death occurred quickly. A painful situation but eventually the sadness subsided and we learned to live with loss.

But our marriage has been slowly slipping from us for years, not a fast death. The wounds would re-open and heal over time. The pain and suffering became damppered with each healing. Finally, there is no going back It’s a good thing that we can only move foreward.

We’ve been dealing with all the issues of unwinding a twenty year relationship. Clearly, many attachments and responsibilities will never be separated. I am glad that our relationship is such that we are not angry or mean to each other. But the reality of our future finally hit me on Friday like a ton of bricks. Why did I live in denial that I would have such feelings? How can I be happy and sad at the same time? Emotions are are tricky.

So while I am happy about moving forward with my life and our lives, I am feeling an emotional loss. Sadness that is comparable to 1983. It doesn’t me that I have changed my mind, we must continue our our current pathway.

As you move on to new job responsibilities, friends and location I want you know that I am proud of your new accomplishment and I’m glad you have reached a position that should match your abilities and skills. I know that the future will be happier for both of us. High Five.

The Road Not Taken – Wait I Did Take This Road Before

I have been down this road before, separation and near divorce.  Then, like now I worked hard to get and keep my thoughts straight and positive.   That was in November 2000.  The day prior to our actual separation, a Friday of course, I was laid off my job.  The company had just given me a promotion but reneged on the pay raise and let me go (along with several others).

I had a great cubical in the office and I hated to leave the window view of the Chicago River and the Sears Tower.  Compared to now, that day was the lowest point of my life.  I boxed up my personal belongings, rode the elevator down to street level and walked to my friends office.

My friend’s office was actually a retail store.  I recall walking in and hearing Santana and Rob Thomas’ Smooth on the radio. Talk about feeling like crap.  It was worse than the day I found out my father died when I was in college:

The dorm rooms where I lived had one phone for every two rooms. The phone was swivel mounted in a hole in the wall so both rooms had access to it. When the phone rang, my neighbor answered it. He knocked and said, “It sounds like some old lady.” I’ll never forget that comment. The old lady was my distressed saddened mother, who lived less than 10 years after that, calling to tell me that my dad was dead.

During that time I went to a therapist.  We talked about the marriage relationship. Eventually the discussion topic landed on  my family.  It seems so cliche but when discussed my parents, my dad in particular, I began to feel better.  I have some many questions about him but my sibling’s myopic view doesn’t help me understand. The same thing is true now with my current therapist (whom I like better than the last one). This week I started discussing my parental relationships and finally, the emotion of losing my dad is working its way out.

Back in 2000, I would drive home in my 1986 MR2 feeling great after a session.  One time, I spun the car around on an snow covered icy road.  I didn’t hit anything or anyone so I didn’t care.  Now I drive home feeling good – no ice – no snow.  It is spring, a new beginning. That was too, trite.  I don’t feel the need to do the tequila test.  You know drink tequila based beverages to see if I’ll cry.  Nope, no need because I would pass.

Are More Oil Reserves Actually A Good Thing?

This article on MSNBC caught my eye this morning:

The government estimated Thursday that up to 4.3 billion barrels of oil can be recovered from the Bakken shale formation in North Dakota and Montana, using current technology.

I know that I read about oil in shale somewhere. I thought that it was in National Geographic but I can’t pinpoint the date. With gasoline and oil prices so high the natural thought, I think, is great more national oil. I don’t think that is necessarily true.

But as always I have questions:

Will this seemingly large oil supply help us at all?

Does the existence of “proven oil reserves” dampen efforts to continue research into clean energy sources?

How much will it cost the everyday joe who needs to drive to and from work?

Protest?

The Olympic torch doesn’t seem to be a welcome light. It’s precesnce has mobilized protests across the globe and in San Francisco. It seems to me that Tibet and China’s issues play much better in the media than, for example, the war in Iraq.

Shouldn’t the Iraq war cause our latent protesters to emerge from their cocoons? After all, this war is chock full of protestable issues: unnecessary death, missing money, high tax payer cost, no clear object… I could go on but this post won’t play in the media either.