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Where is My Green Lawn?

The grass must be greener somewhere because I wonder if there is greener grass here.  The campaign rhetoric, bad foreign policy,  high  oil prices, a bad economy and not to mention all those personal issues cover the green grass like a tarp during a rain delay.

The Next Step…

It is a funny thing this break-up.  I never really know what is going to set off some sort of emotional situation.  But as we get closer to day zero I find that I am feeling it and I don’t always want to feel that way.  I just am ready to move on and if I am in denial about our failings then so be it.  But it feels like (remember this is my perspective only and it right now not yesterday or even tomorrow) my point of view is lost among the huge changes that are about to take place.

Our readers sit back and read our blogs and think wow, Dcup and Mathman are doing a wonderful job at their separation.  I can not discount the truth of that statement.  I think we are doing pretty well.  There are two reasons for this. First,  we want to do the best we can for our children and secondly I believe that we truely want each other to be happy.

Readers of  our blogs know an awful a lot about our lives.  But I have been pretty mum about most of  what I want. I have not been more forthcoming about my feelings. But if you read into some of the posts or just read some of them you’ll know that there have been influences that have pushed our relationship over the edge.  An edge that a few short months ago I would have avoided.   Now I feel differently.

I have had time to reflect and hold back the multitudes of feelings.  I look back  and I see patterns.  Patterns that hurt to think about and process.  Patterns that  I we allowed to occur.  These patterns occurred because I was oblivious and then did not respond like most people.  In my heart I always knew that the patterns were symptoms not the disease but I did not know what to do. Generally my response was: let’s not let that happen again, OK? Move on.

My confession is that I feel like I never say whatshould be about me.  Of course I think it but I rarely, say it.  I willingly admit that I don’t want to move the kids to a new location now.  But what do I want?  Have a really said?  Do you know, readers, what I think?

I am tired of moving around and living under the threat of moving.  Five years ago we were ready to move South to warmer weather.  A few years before that it was time to go back to Indiana.   And before that it was time to leave Indiana for Chicago. That statement does not mean that I will never move but now I am tired of moving.   I like this spot at the corner of nowhere and no place.  It is not the house so much but the place, the yard, the plants, the garage, the cedar tress, the pine cones, the singing birds, the warm springs, the hot summers, the mostly year-round baseball, the crazy students I teach and my stupid teacher friends.

The reality, that I understand all too well, is that I may not be able to afford living here if gasoline remains high while my salary remains static.  It will be a no win deal.  On my end of this thing - I worry about the kids, money, keeping the house, driving to work every day and how will the blogger formerly known as Dcup and  I do it?

Time Keeps On Slipping Into the Future and Back…

Time usually moves forward, minutes to hours to days to years but for us time is running backwards.  We are down to weeks which will shrink to days and then to minutes and finally seconds.  Years of living mostly together will end almost as abruptly as it started.

A friend of mine said to me, “You should go to the BoDeans tonight they’re playing at the Bird –Dcup will be there.”  “Who is Dcup?”, I replied trying to remember her.  I had seen a her a week or so earlier at a party.  The fog of my memory sort of remembered that party.  I listened to the Rolling Stones and saw Dcup for the first time but I put out of my mind because she seemed to be with someone else.

At the concert we flirted, danced, drank, spared, left together, had our first kiss and fell for each other.  We had no idea that our life together started at that moment.  What I also know, now, is that it is also difficult (at least for me) to pinpoint that moment when our marriage was done.

But don’t confuse the end of our marriage with the end of our relationship.  The relationship has no end in sight.  We have the children that will forever keep us together.  Ultimately, we have our friendship.  It is strong, happy, tumultuous, unique and real.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Talk about Oscar Wilde

Talk about Oscar Wilde….

From An Ideal Husband

… The error all women commit. Why can’t you women love us, faults and all? … It is not the perfect, but the imperfect who have need of love. It is when we are wounded by our hands, or the hands of others, that love should come to cure us - else what use is love at all?

Well, Oscar new what he was talking about didn’t? Love doesn’t always matter. It is too intangible. Feelings like love, lust, sadness and happiness can be purchased with many currencies. Sometimes feelings are not the best way to buy happiness and sometimes cash is better or even sometimes location can simply be the down payment for a happy future.

Covering New Territory

Life never seems easy. But there are things that I find exhilarating; coaching baseball, teaching and learning math, sex and boobs and music. I could list so more but why over do it? But there are difficult decisions to be made, decisions that affect each us that will likely be made separately. New territory as we continue this waning marriage but try figure out a new relationship with old players.

Life is Just A Bunch of Lists

Most of the posts I’ve written here flow from a stream of consciousness that happens to be skipping around my brain. But lately, there is a dead calm in my head. I have several posts in half written limbo as drafts and a few scribbled out in 2 spiral notebooks that I keep for such ocassions.

Maybe it is not surprising that my. words have been tripped up. Death causes me to be melancholy. While at school, I continue to slug it out with difficult students, semester tired teachers and insane administrators. The mother fuckers and cocksuckers don’t get me down but they sure wear me out.

I look forward to the end of the day, when maybe I can talk on the phone to a friend, write a blog post, plant some seeds, pull a few weeds, talk to the future former wife or coach a baseball game. Tonight we had free for all dinner, The boy, Dcup and I. Dcup took out the left overs, roasted chicken, homemade mac and cheese and a few potato chips. Simple but delicious.

Work haunted me tonight. I spent all day at a district level meeting. A day away from school forced my daily conversations to my cell phone. I spoke to the teacher who had surgery last week, the boss, the band director, a fellow little league coach and our math teacher varsity basketball coach. And that leaves me here with these few word for you. Until tomorrow’s cup of Starbucks Maxwell House brew.

I missed Danica Day

Illinois has Chicago, my home town but it also has Danica Patrick Day:

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich says Saturday will be “Danica Patrick Day” in the state. Blagojevich calls her “a new hero in Illinois.”

An Unvitation

I wonder what draws people to this blog. For people who read When Will I Use This, it is a natural trip. For me, I write here because I want this blog to have a wider range of topics. I write because I want to write. Sometimes “I feel” and I want to write that down. It’s a challenge to see if I can use as few words as possible and to get my point across. If people like it, great, but if there are no comments I’ll write anyway.

But I can’t help but wonder what certain people are looking for here? Are they looking for a dose of reality or an everything is going to be alright even though the past has had mighty impact on my future? A past in which they had a hand at shaping and influencing in the most negative way?

There is nothing here for you. I am living and working for my children, futureformer and I. You have no part in this. None. You were always an uninvited guest. You forced yourself upon us and finished the destruct sequence for our already doomed relationship. Your work dealing pain and hurt is finally done . I am healing without you or you blog. I am happier already and hopefully the others will be, too.